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So you’ve got a wedding coming up? Then you probably also have some financial headaches to deal with. Unfortunately for most bride and grooms to be, spending huge amounts of money is just part and parcel of the big day. While it may make you wince right now, we assure you it’ll all be worth it in the end. That said, while you can’t really put a price on your wedding day, it shouldn’t bankrupt you either.
With every wedding comes the awkward question of “who pays for what?”
There’s a traditional etiquette surrounding paying for a wedding that we will run you through, however things are pretty different in 2018.
Weddings have changed a fair amount over the years. This is because in the UK, over half of the adult population don’t consider themselves to be religious. Around 25 years ago, 60% of weddings were religious ceremonies. Today, it’s only around 30%.
So how has the financial responsibility of a wedding traditionally been divided?
Most of the costs fall upon the bride and her family. This is largely due to the old practice of paying a dowry. This was where the family of the bride would pay the groom a sum of money for assuming the financial ‘burden’ of the bride.
This was a very different time in which the vast majority of women didn’t work. Dowries were effectively ended in the late 1800s - in name, anyway. Unfortunately the practice has pretty much continued with the bride’s family assuming most of the costs of a wedding.
What do the bride’s family pay for?
Some of the major costs that normally fall upon the bride and her family include the wedding dress, the wedding planner, the ceremony, and reception. These costs alone can be pretty eye-watering.
The average amount spent on a wedding dress in the UK is around £1,500, and the average cost of a day-of wedding planner is £600-£1700. Some wedding planners charge £5,000+ if they’re working with you for a few months. The average wedding venue costs around £4,500. Already, you can see how expensive a wedding can be for the bride and her family.
On top of this, the bride’s family will cover the hair and makeup costs, invitations and stationary, the photography, flowers and décor. The wedding cake also falls in the remit of the bride’s responsibility. This can send the average bridal contribution well above £10,000.
What about the groom and his parents’ financial responsibilities? Well, they’re decidedly quite slim in comparison. The groom buys the engagement ring, which can often cost a fair bit of change, but in terms of the actual wedding, their costliest contribution is traditionally the rehearsal dinner. The groom and his family are expected to incur all the costs of the rehearsal dinner. Other than that, the only other costs to the groom’s family are the marriage license, officiant fee, and the bride’s bouquet.
Other costs like transport and gifts of the groomsmen and bridal party are split between the couple, and the parents aren’t expected to pay for the honeymoon either. Pre-wedding parties are the only thing that the bride and groom are expected to absolve all financial responsibility for.
That’s the traditional way of paying for a wedding, and if you want to observe traditions, by all means, go ahead; however these days people generally finance their weddings a little differently.
It used to be expected that your parents would help out, but that’s changed too. More people marry ‘outside of their station’ as it were, meaning whilst one family may be comfortable and capable of absorbing some of the wedding costs, the other might not be at all.
Generally, couples will aim to finance their own weddings without the help of their parents. One reason for this is that people are on the whole getting married much later in life, if it all, and at that point are better equipped to pay.
That’s easier said than done especially since millennials, the generation that make up the majority of weddings right now, are the first generation to be financially worse off than their parents. Money is tight and things like getting on the property ladder tend to take priority. There’s nothing wrong with asking your parents for help, and many of them will be more than willing to, which is great. Whether you want to accept the help is up to you.
If you want to ask for help, do.
The best way to phrase it is “would you like to contribute to the wedding?” If both sets of parents want to help out, sit down and have a frank discussion about what they’re willing to contribute. Bring the families together, make up some spreadsheets or documents with the different parties’ budgets, and work out who wants to pay for what. You may still incur most of the costs yourselves, but your parents might want to buy the cake, their parents may want to pay for the band, and so on.
However bear in mind that in the UK we’re often too polite to say what we’re really thinking. This can mean one set of parents may say yes to contributing just because the others did – even though they can’t really afford to. To avoid this, ensure initial discussions about what, if anything they can contribute, happen discreetly and in private.
If neither set of parents are willing or able to help financially, which is completely their prerogative, there are plenty of other ways to finance your wedding.
Many people choose to apply for a loan to finance their wedding, start saving well in advance, or get a new credit card. There are also monthly finance schemes available for big-ticket items like the wedding dress.
These days, it’s largely up to the bride and groom to figure it out for themselves. Most weddings are now civil ceremonies so we’re seeing the antiquated financial rules of weddings fade away.
In 2013, same-sex marriages were finally legalised in the UK and as such there are no traditional ways to pay for them. When it comes to paying for a same-sex wedding, the stereotypical gender roles don’t apply and what you see is a much more equal distribution of costs, which we could all learn from.
Most people are in agreement that the traditional way of paying for weddings are outdated and frankly unfair. More and more people are determined to pay for their own wedding, but if you are going to receive some help, there are a couple of things to think about.
Be open.
Communicate.
And make sure everyone is comfortable with what they’re paying.
Bear in mind that your parents may feel pressured into helping when they aren’t actually in a position to, so you’ll need to be discrete. The last thing you want is for an argument to break out between the families over who’s paying for the flowers. The most important thing is the day itself, so do it your way. Your wedding day will (hopefully!) only happen once, so make it yours, and make it one to remember.
Looking for a wedding gift? Why not present it in one of our personalised wedding gift bags or a custom wedding bottle box?
